lauriesue.com

Ommmm…..that is all I can say about this weekend. The moment I walked upon the grounds of Esalen I immediately started to relax. The excitement of the trip had me literally yelping along the shoreline drive of Highway 1. I felt like Nuala when we arrive at the dog beach and she leaps all four paws off the ground like a gazelle. It was such a treat, the ecstasy.

The meditation workshop has given me a practice on a path to change my destiny. The leader of the workshop said if we did a 5 minute meditation daily for 48 days we could change our day; keep it up for 108 days and we would change our destiny.

I’m not sure of my destiny but it seems like an easy task to focus on the arising, existing and release for 5 minutes each day. Today, I sat for 12 minutes and it seemed like 5. The longest meditation we did during the workshop was 40 minutes, which is the ultimate goal.

I’ve counted the days, 48 days brings me to July 12 and 108 days takes me to September 10th. Both seem like important times of transition in my life. July 12th marks the end of Arno & Susi’s visit from Germany and September 10th coincides with a milestone in our group consciousness. I’m looking forward to the journey.

As for journeys, the trip to Esalen was amazing. Listening to gay husband, Josh, I was on the road by 5:15 a.m. to avoid L.A. traffic. Boy, did I avoid traffic. I had reached Cambria before 10:30 a.m. Esalen doesn’t allow new guest to arrive before 2 p.m. What’s a girl to do? A quick stop at San Simeon to see Hearst’s Castle.

The day was cloudy with a beautiful misty rain. I did Tour 2 which took us to Hearst’s private bedrooms, library and kitchen. I couldn’t figure out how to stop the flash from working on my camera so here are a few shots that I was able to sneak. My favorite part of the castle is all the wonderful craftsman style tiles that line the walls and walks. As for the artwork it appears crowded and jumbled. Hearst built this enormous house with small rooms so that he could fit all the “stuff” he had acquired from Europe. Some rooms were nicer than others, but for the most part I didn’t think it seemed comfortable or peaceful. The surrounding terrain was spectacular.

For the ride home I made a quick stop to see the seals on the beach above San Simeon. Note their happy smiles as they slumber in restful bliss. I think they mirror me in my cosmic bliss, content in the simple things of life. Good friends, warm love and the shining sun.

Comments(2)

Yeah for the anticlimax. The tests were both negative today. Couldn’t find a blip, spot or anything on the spot mammogram or the ultrasound. Even had two techs performing the ultrasound and neither could spot anything. Now they want in six months to do a repeat mammogram on my left breast . Phew, phew, phew.

Thanks for all the loving thoughts and letting me know that I was not crazy to be nervous and scared. Although now that it is nothing, I feel a little silly. But I would rather feel silly now and have felt all of the love I’ve received this week versus being afraid and obsessing by myself. Have a great weekend. I plan on getting a restful sleep tonight.

Comments(5)

Today’s the day for the spot mammogram and ultrasound and I’m scare. I’m scare that this ordeal will not be completed today. I will need to have the focal asymmetry removed for complete analysis. I fear that my thoughts are all powerful and my sick mind can predict the future. I really think the blip is a fat lump. I don’t think I have cancer. It is scary.

I liked it better when my biggest worries were: 1.) How was I going to even my weird sun tan lines on my legs? 2.) Who was going to become my new leg waxer? 3.) When was I going to have my first “real” date? 4.) What was I going to have for dinner?

These questions seemed overwhelming in the past. Ah…to have such simple worries.

Well testing 2 & 3 will hopefully be completed by 5 p.m. today and then I return to some of the simpler concerns. Hey, anyone out there know a good leg waxer? Keep the good thoughts coming, I need them. I’m not sure I’m doing a great job myself. I love the love.

Comments(5)

Now the doctors think that the blip on the mammogram might be a result of my recent weight loss. My doctor talked with the radiologist that read the original mammogram and now they are thinking that the “focal asymmetry” of my left breast may be “a residual island of globular tissue from the ducts” caused by my significant weight loss. There is that word significant again. Neither doctor thought it was serious. Yippy!

This gives me a sense of relief, but I must continue with the spot mammogram and ultrasound on Friday for further evaluation. I’m now fearing that I will end up with a lumpectomy because of a fat lump. Be thankful that they think it is a fat lump, Laurie.

Thank you, Dr. K for making the phone call to the radiologist. You have helped me gather peace. The next three days seem bearable because of your reassuring words.

For all those reading, please keep the healthy thoughts coming for Friday, May 2nd at 2:30 p.m. I would really like them to find nothing that needs to be removed or altered. I would like to keep my boobie as it is.

Comments(5)

Significant. That was the word the radiation oncologist I work with used when he read that the “focal asymmetry” was 2 cm. on the mammogram report. He than wanted the results from the previous mammogram and to talk to the radiologist directly who read the test. He popped up from the table and went to get him on the phone. Wow, I felt so lucky to have him on my team and to see his concern. As luck would have it , the radiologist is out of the office until Monday and the covering radiologist would not discuss another person’s report. Ugh, I guess I’m not suppose to know any other news.

My doctor was frustrated with the vagueness of the report, he agreed it didn’t really tell us anything. Good news that it didn’t show calcification. I knew that. Gosh, I wish I would have had him feel my breast. I think I’ll do that on Tuesday when I work with him. He also said he thought the focal asymmetry would probably be cystic; which is my hope and desire.

The other doctor I work with walked in on us and reassured us to stop worrying until I got the results of the ultrasound. He then said to me, that he understood my emotions. He said, “just wait until one of us have an elevated PSA.” Breast and prostate cancer patients make up approximately 60% of our patient population. It is scary to be here.

For me at this moment in time it is wonderful to feel and connect with the wonderful outpouring of love that I have been receiving. Thanks to everyone. It was wonderful to receive a love note from Amsterdam addressed to “My sweet southern girl.” Thank you everyone.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, spending time with new and old friends and of course the poodle.

Comments(4)

I got a sense of release when I was able to get the authorization from the insurance in less than 24 hours. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get booked to do the double procedure of spot mammogram and ultrasound until next Friday. That is May 2 @ 2:30 p.m. for those who believe in powerful positive thought at the precise moment in time. Thanks to everyone who has given me much love and support. Especially all of the women who have identified as having recent benign scares in the past 12 months. It helps. So now being at peace during the waiting is the practice for me.

Vanity Part 1 - I have these dark ringed sunburned rings on my cheeks that makes me look like that old cigarette commercial where the guy would say “I’d rather fight than switch.” I guess rock sunbathing like an Iguana you have to pay the price. I’m just hoping people don’t think they are insomnia induced tear rings. Humm maybe the sunburn is mixed in with this other stuff. I just know I want them to go away.

Looking forward to ginormous hugs from everyone I see. Yeah! Michelle, Mark & Angela are coming to town.

Paix

Comments(2)